The Silence of Random

I was having lunch the other day with some friends and as we were discussing our kids I remembered a story that always makes me laugh. When our oldest was around three years old, and our second son was around six months I was upstairs doing something in the nursery. My wife was talking to the oldest who was throwing a minor tantrum. Closing a drawer in the dresser made a banging sound down stairs and the 3 year old said “What was that”. I quickly realized he could hear me through the baby monitor, and decided to have some fun.

Making my voice deeper and booming I said “HELLO!”

“Who is that? Hello” my son responded.

“Be nice to your mother, and listen to her” I said. I heard some whispering and my wife laughed. “I don’t think it heard you” my wife said to my son.

“Speak up, your mumbling.” I said into the baby monitor.

“OK Mr. Voice, I will be nice and I will listen.” my son responded back still sounding a bit timid. “Excellent, now go play” I said.

I went downstairs and as I walked into the kitchen my wife had the biggest grin on her face. My son ran over to me and told me he heard a voice and it told him to be nice and listen. I told him it sounded like a very nice voice, and he agreed. My wife and I got a good laugh at what had just unfolded. A few years latter he discovered the trick and caught me off guard one day.

“YOU THERE!” he shouted into the monitor in the deepest, booming voice he could muster. I wasn’t expecting it and shouted out “WHOOOAAA!” The voice in the monitor started laughing and I knew exactly what I had fallen for. My oldest son and I have pulled variations of the trick on his three other siblings, all with results that leave everyone laughing. I am proud to say I am raising responsible practical jokers.

The other day I was sitting in the kitchen with my 8 years old and he asked me a question. I don’t remember exactly what he asked, but I know we started a discussion so I could answer his question. As I was explaining the ins and outs of the subject at hand he asked me another question. This launched us into another discussion which lead to another question. Thirty minutes later my son took a breath and said “I have another question” to which feeling a bit drained I responded “yes, what is it?” His response not only made me chuckle, but also reminded me of how much fun raising kids is, he asked “how did we get on this topic?”

Kids are a blank canvass and have a great desire to learn and explore. I forget sometimes as I talk to my kids, that at their various ages I may be using words or phrases they may have not yet learned. Of course they just don’t sit by and let it go, they immediately want to know what you are saying. The other lesson I learned is that even if my kids didn’t know what I was saying, they still would listen in to what my wife and I would talk about. Often, later when they had the attention of one of us they would ask a question about what they heard earlier. My kids have a great ability to remember things for long periods of time.

I think most parents can relate to the phase of your kids life when no matter what you say, or how you answer a question you are met with the word “Why” or the phrase “What is/does…” All my kids have a different approach, but each one has never let me get by with a “because I say so” or “that is just how it is.” I do hope you never have to encounter that moment when you tell your kids you don’t know something, because with my kids I believe there was a brief moment the world was going to end. Once their initial shock of the “I don’t know” response wore off, I received a hearty reading of the riot act on how I was Daddy and I knew everything. I am told that at some point that view changes and I will suddenly know nothing because they will know everything.

Once we were on vacation at a condo at the beach. My oldest son noticed that there were pictures of other people and because curious as to why there were books and DVDs where we were staying. We had him sign the book the owners left for all guests to sign and explained to him that someone owned this and we were renting it. A day or two later my son asked my why people would rent their home on the beach to strangers. I explained that it was their vacation home and in order to afford it they let other people help them pay for it, even perhaps made some money themselves. My son again asked why people would do such a thing, to which I responded it was an investment. “What is an investment?” was his next question, at which point my wife laughed at me because she knew I opened a can of worms. A few months later when my son returned to school the teacher asked everyone to share a picture from their summer and talk about what they had done. My son showed a picture of the beach and when asked by his teacher where he stayed (i.e. which beach) he gave a ten minute discussion on investment properties.

I could tell countless stories, but here is a short one. If you follow me on twitter you sometimes get to see, almost in real time, exchanges between my kids and I. I expect one day they will hate me for this, but for now they find just as much humor as I do. My 3 year old son has this quirk where out of now where he will look at me and say “What daddy?” I believe he things I just said something, that is my best guess, but my general response back to him is to ask the question back “What?” At first the exchange will go back and forth between us without either of us changing our stance, but eventually he gets frustrated and either stares me down or declares “I said what daddy!” No matter how I try to approach this to explain I have no idea why he is asking me what or even answering him by telling him I said nothing in the first place, he still remains very annoyed. I imagine this is how it would have felt to be in the old “Who’s on first” skit. At some point he will walk away shaking his head and tell Mommy that “Daddy is being mean.”

Some may find the endless questions annoying or unnerving, but I really enjoy those times with my kids. I definitely learn a lot, not only about how they think, but about how we learn. The small things make them happy. Besides, once they discover the internet you will become obsolete. Time to respond to a new search request, “Daddy! Why does…..”

Right from the start we love to shower our kids with love, attention, and things of all shapes and sizes. After our first son was born I remember getting tons of gifts from family, friends, and co-workers. I would say the amount of gifts you get for a first born child almost rivals the amount you get when you get married. We almost had enough clothes for the first nine months of our son’s life. I say almost because no parent can resist buying those cute outfits when you come face to face with them in the store.?

You also wind up with enough baby toys for multiple kids to share. This comes in handy even with just one child because toys get thrown to the floor and the spare toys help quell that sense of fright you have about germs getting all over your kids. In the early stages, kids just play with whatever you put in their hands, and playing can be a simple as staring.

The fun for parents really begins when kids can start to manipulate the toys and experience for themselves the joy of opening gifts. I think the first time each of my kids opened a present my heart beat at near breakneck speeds. I was thrilled because I new what was coming, and they were going to be surprised. However, the surprise would become mine. When the wrapping paper fell away and the box had been removed from the toy, it wasn’t the toy they wanted, it was the box. So begins the journey.

There is something magical about a box to kids, and the bigger the better. I can remember all my kids first box like it was yesterday. The glee in their voice, the flash of joy in their eyes. Silly, you thought that excitement was for the toy you spent so much time thinking about at the store. It is humorous watching the person who takes the box off the toy and hands the toy to your child, only to have the items switched. It is my belief that a parent came up with the phrase “Think outside the box” when talking to their kids about presents.

If an arm or a leg is all that can fit into a box, then your child suddenly becomes part robot. This is hard wired into my kids, because each one immediately would stick a box on their arm and announce “I am robot, I am robot!” As suddenly as this occurs, the box is suddenly off the arm and either flying around the room as a spaceship or racing across the floor as a race car. Perhaps it even becomes a flying space car, but it is best not to question this innovation. Soon the crayons come out, depending on their age, and their invention takes shape in the form of lines and swoops of all lengths and colors.

With a slightly bigger box, and either a smaller sibling or a small pet, you child becomes a greater hunter and the box is the trap. Assuming your head is roughly the same size as one of the boxes, you will find as you sit in your chair the world becomes dark and you are now an astronaut. “What does it look like in outer space daddy,” they exclaim, to which I respond “I see stars.” This is more a practical response than a creative one if the box got jammed on your head, as tend to happens, and you really do see stars.

Once you get into the boxes that actually fit you child into them, you have achieved a certain level of awesomeness. Your standard box doesn’t move by itself, but that doesn’t stop your child from speeding around the world. One scene that plays out in our household that really makes me laugh is when my kids assume the tornado drill position, you know all hunched over and hand over the head, and they exclaim “You can’t see me!” When the box is so big you really can’t see them inside, their world is complete. They now have their own fort in the jungle, or a Lunar Space Lander. You get out the utility knife and cut out doors, windows, portals, and more. Flowers, trees, pipes, and other decorations appear all over the sides.

Eventually the toys they got get worked into their new box universe, but the box is still at the center. Don’t get me wrong, my kids love their toys and are grateful for what they get, they just love exploring the world “inside the box”. As a final note I would like to caution you if you have not gone through this experience. The fun doesn’t end with just the box in the complete form. Don’t be surprised if you reach in your pocket only to find cardboard coins and not the ones your can use in the vending machine. Also, don’t break their hearts when you sit down for dinner to a place setting made of last years box, just find a way to eat off the creation. The more you think “inside the box”, the more creative you just might become.

Our first piano recital!

There is nothing more peaceful than a sleeping child. You watch your kids go full steam all day long and you wonder how can such a small person have some much energy. When they are sleeping you can’t help but be in awe at how peaceful they become. When you go in their rooms to make sure they have enough covers on them, you just sit there and all your worries melt away with each breath they take. Serenity sets in it would seem.

Of course kids are as predicable as life itself, and they don’t always fall asleep in their beds. Perhaps you have a long car ride and they just can’t keep their eyes open any longer. Perhaps you had a long day and just wanted a family movie night on the couch, only to find sleep came calling. Whatever it may be, you find your little one has fallen asleep and you need to move them into their bed. Caution is suggested, for you know not what will happen until it is to late.

The first thing you find out when kids are asleep, they weigh two to three times more than when awake. This could be explained by the scientific phenomenon whereby when awake a kids’ body is more fluid, but when asleep the fluid solidifies and increases in mass and density. I haven’t proven this theory yet but if you have ever carried a sleeping child you know what i am talking about. Of course if you don’t compensate for this variable you may find yourself in a free fall while trying to keep them asleep.

When kids are small they make all sorts of cute little noises, like humming, which makes it all the more difficult to put them down. As their language starts to develop, the sleeping conversations get even more interesting. It usually happens on more than one occasion during the week I am moving my kids either into their beds or taking them to the bathroom during the night. It never fails that my two oldest boys talk to me as if I was their brother playing with something they want. The sleep talking isn’t always triggered by movement, sometimes it just comes out of nowhere. I find myself just inches from picking them up and they start talking and moving about. Then there are times in the middle of the night when kids will just start screaming. I run into their rooms and try to calm them down only to find that no matter what I say or do they won’t wake up. So you play along with what they are saying and convince their sleeping mind everything is just fine.

Weight lifting and late night conversations provide comedic situations, but that is not all kids do while their sleeping. It never fails while moving one of my kids from the car, the couch, or the other various places they fall asleep a physical reaction occurs. While carrying one of my sons to the bathroom I walk through the door of his room and as I do he senses he is moving and his hand shoots out and grabs the door frame. This instantly stops me dead in my tracks and I have to adjust the distribution of his weight as to not drop him and more importantly keep me from falling on top of him. The funniest incident happened while I was taking my 6 year old to the bathroom. I was helping him get his pants down when he suddenly decide to attempt a head first dive into the toilet. As I put my arms around his chest and my hand on his forehead to keep him from completing his decent he lifted his foot and tried putting it in the toilet. I saved his foot, but I fell into a fit of laughter, all while he kept on sleeping.

I can not even begin to share the humor that is played out in moving sleeping children, but I know if you have kids you have experienced this on more than one occasion. A sleeping child can provide the moments of peace we all seek during our hectic days. Then again, a little comedy and hearty laughter are just as good in boosting the spirits.

Over the summer I got to take my three year old son to visit the pre-school he would be attending in the fall. He was very excited that he finally was going to go to school, just like his two older brothers. The hardest part about taking him for a visit was convincing him that school didn’t start for another month and a half. Instead of picking that battle, I stayed silent on the subject and moved on to other topics. When we arrived at his school he was ready to go and for one of the rare times he took my hand and pulled me along behind him.

After meeting his teachers we spent about two hours in the classroom watching and participating in the daily routine. For a little guy who normally never stops talking, he drew up against me and stayed very quiet most of the time. Knowing that I am introverted, I tried to participate as much as possible and get him to engage his future classmates and teachers. When the class, and my son, went outside to play on the playground I sat down with the teacher and went over the details of drop off, pick up, and daily routine. Having two sons that went to this pre-school before I had very little questions and headed out to see my son playing. He had taken to making new friends and was extremely happy. I walked over and let him know it was time for us to go, and to give him incentive to leave I told him we would be going out to lunch, just him and I. He waved goodbye and told everyone he would be back tomorrow, I didn’t argue.

The whole way to the restaurant he chattered about all the things he would do in school when he went back. We went inside and order our food, which for him was the typical chicken nuggets. He helped me get our drinks and we found a nice quiet place to sit and chat. When you have little ones they tend to forget they have food in front of them when they have something to say. I gently would remind him to eat his lunch, he would take a nibble or two and then launch back into his stories. Seeing he needed a nudge to eat I reached across the table attempting to take one of his nuggets. To my surprise he let out a loud “Hey” and gave me a dirty look, to which I responded by pulling my hand back.

This nudge only lasted a short while so again I reached for his nuggets to which he let out another audible warning. Seeing my hand did not stop he reached out and pulled his lunch closer to himself, to which I pulled my hand back again. Only a few moments passed and he was off again in his stories so I reached a third time for his prized chicken nuggets. This time he sounded the alarm, drew the food in closer and tried to swat my hand. As I pulled my hand back from danger I began to laugh really hard because the look on his face and his progression of reactions struck me familiar.

I decided to try one last time and this time I was determined to retrieve one of the nuggets unless he put it in his mouth and took a bite. I moved quickly this time testing his response time, and he responded quicker than I expected. He smacked my hand, turned towards the window with the nuggets against his chest, let out a “Hey”, and then took a bite out of not just one but two of his nuggets. I played the defeated foe by giving a mildly pained “ouch” and then pretended to whimper a bit. “Daddy those are my chicky nuggies” he exclaimed “you can’t have them”. He and I laughed and finished our lunches without further incident.

Driving home he thanked me for being his daddy and taking him to school. I thanked him for letting me go to his school and take him out to lunch. After dropping him off my thoughts returned to the little exercise I had conducted with him during lunch. My sons instinct was to layer “security” around his food when I attempted to snatch it from him. Defense in depth in not a hard concept, you simply layer security preventing yourself from a single point of failure. If my three year old understands I know the rest of us can get it. Having kids always makes me look at things in new ways.